A Little Troubled

NOTA BENE: This was written in 2011, I think. Or maybe late 2012.

I find writing as amusing as talking.

I personally think that writing is the best way to express myself. Although, I’m not really good with words, still words find their way to catch my attention, inspiring me to write whatever it is that I want. I also think that writing is neither a skill learned nor acquired, I think it’s a gift. A gift which I have to treasure, because honestly, it’s the only tool I have aside from my prayers. Now, I’m not going to rant about religion through writing, but the reason why I write. Because, recently I thought that I lost “contact” with myself by not being able to finish a poem, and a song. I have also realized how poorly I write now than I do before. It is as if I lost interest in writing, and I find it as a really tragic moment in my life, for the reason that I am always equipped with thoughts, no matter how random they are, I could always write them all down. But it seems that I could no longer do that. Perhaps my mind has become too preoccupied with a lot of things that I could no longer find the time to sit down, breathe in and start writing again.

Writing, as I said is a gift, a gift which I have to treasure because its one of my power tools, apart from my prayers. But writing has drifted away from me, and I am not sure if it has left me for good or if it is only because of all the things that have been happening in my life right now that hinders me to stop. Although, I was never good with words, I know that I have the capability to express myself as simple as possible. I love brevity in my writings; I go straight to my point. But despite of that fact, I know that I could at least, at some point, play with words to make songs and poems… but I lost that. I just find it really saddening; I never thought I would get in a point in my life where I would totally lose it.

I wanted to improve, but I guess my “excessive” learning has slowed me from exploring more of what I can do. I tried to force myself to learn how to be a polished writer, but realized that it needs enough experience to be able to be one. I could not gain it in one gulp. Things really do take time to refine. Perhaps I was overexposed at the wrong time; I was given a windfall when it was not supposed to be given to me yet. The sad thing is I was overwhelmed, that I became ambitious, given the opportunity, that I forgot that I still have a long way to go. That I am not YET ready. I already took pride on something I was not yet able to do.

Now here I am, feeling sorry for what I have lost along the way. But I don’t regret being there, in fact, I am thankful I took that path because at least now I know what I am really capable of doing. At least now I know where I stand, and how good it is to be where I am now than to be where I am before, because what I was then caused me so much pain and loss. I lost a couple of friends along with one of my only life investments, which is my will to write and I am trying to gain, if not all, at least just my power tool back. Even if it means that I have to start all over again from scratch, I would gladly do it just to refresh myself of the basics, but now with more improvements, but more humble I would be.

I want to be able to write again. I want to be able to finish songs that do not only revolve in one theme; I want to explore my ability even more, I want to apply what I have learned, I want to improve. I want to be flexible in terms of writing; I want to sharpen my knowledge about certain things so that I will be able to write about them, with more sense. I just want to show my strong personality in my writing, I no longer want to write about things that people tell me to write for them. I am soo tired of people limiting my word count, and changing the topic or voice of my piece just because some people do not want to read about it. Heck, I want to be carefree.

I want to burst like a freshly cut lemon, and smell the spanking new scent of being the same old me with a whole new twist. I just want to write again.

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