I am starting to expect from you and that’s not something I should do, knowing our unclear situation. I am starting to want you to be always there though I know you will never come around. I want you to love me back though I know how much you’re going through, I know how impossible that is for you to do. And even if things did ever get better for you I am so sure that you will never choose me and that hurts. So much, that I just want to leave this, this… Whatever this is that we are in.
I am telling you goodbye because I am sparing myself of the pain that is about to come my way. I know it sounds selfish, but if I am a temporary company for you anyway I don’t think it will ever even matter. I don’t understand why you still want to keep me around; I know I am nothing to you, I just wish you’d tell me to leave at least then it would be easier for me… I love you, but you will never, ever love me. At least, not in the way that I thought you would.
But I love you, and I don’t regret ever feeling that. It wasn’t something I have chosen to do nor feel, it’s involuntary, sadly. But leaving is an option that I must take in order for me to fix myself and be able to love again. I don’t want to stay only to be broken when the time comes that you have finally found my replacement. I don’t want to live that day. I have come so far to build myself up and I have been in that situation before and I don’t want to be in it again.
I don’t know if you know the pain of loving someone this much that it hurts to think that they will never say the things you want and need to hear from them, or have them do the things you want them to do for you.
You will never hold my hand in public places, take romantic and silly pictures with me, whisper sweet nothings or sing softly in my ear. You will not randomly take me by the hand and dance with me with no music playing… You will never go to places with me or take me somewhere romantic like the beach or just outside while it’s raining. You will never write me love notes, and slip them under my coffee cup, my hand bag or my bathroom mirror or my fridge…
You will never even have thought of handing me a stem of my favorite white rose just because; you will never change your relationship status on Facebook and tag me. You will not post nauseating love notes on my wall and in my phone inbox. You most certainly will not tell me how you can never bear the thought of losing me or having me stolen by someone else.
You will not make love to me as I make love to you; you will not randomly show up in the office to surprise me because you miss me and you just have to tell me in person. No, you will not do any of those things… For you will never be truly aware of the pain brought by a love that can never be returned.
This is not to force you to do anything other than to set me free. Delete my number, my messages, my call records. Do anything and delete every trace that proved I ever existed in your life.
I don’t want you to remember me as a woman who fell madly in love with you. Just remember me as an acquaintance. Some face you just happen to pass by on some street or corridor a long time ago. But never the woman who loved your flaws and believed that you are a person worthy of love. Don’t ever remember me that way.